Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Posing Naked for Penthouse, Primary School Teacher Suspended
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
3 ways to combat rising fuel prices
harga LPG naik lagi yg segera akan disusul oleh BBM, karena harga dipasar internasional sudah keburu naik,, kita perlu mengambil langkah2 drastis untuk mengatasi masalah ini, inlah Kiat untuk mengatasi kenaikan harga BBM, yang disarankan Tim Ward seorang comedian dari negeri uncle sam.
I have heard the rumblings of many of you reader about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!
1. Don't Drive Your Car
This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.
Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?
2. Carpool
It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:
(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.
(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.
(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.
3. Ride the Bus/Subway
Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:
1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.
2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.
5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...
Article source: ArticleFever.com by tim ward.
Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only, not intended to criticized the goverment, members of Parliament or the petro company for increasing the price of gasoline or LPG.
I have heard the rumblings of many of you reader about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!
1. Don't Drive Your Car
This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.
Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?
2. Carpool
It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:
(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.
(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.
(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.
3. Ride the Bus/Subway
Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:
1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.
2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.
5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...
Article source: ArticleFever.com by tim ward.
Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only, not intended to criticized the goverment, members of Parliament or the petro company for increasing the price of gasoline or LPG.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Turkish woman in penis-chopping case
ISTANBUL (Reuters) - A Turkish woman accused of cutting off her lover's penis must wait 18 months for a verdict and sentencing while a court determines whether his re-attached penis still functions, a court source said Thursday.
The criminal court in the Black Sea town of Trabzon will wait for a medical report assessing whether the 28-year-old victim has regained full use of his organ or if he is permanently disabled, an official involved in the trial said.
"To determine which crime was committed, we first need the report," the source said. "We'll continue holding hearings in the trial from time to time until we receive the report."
The 39-year-old defendant faces between one and three years in prison if her former lover recovers, Haber Turk newspaper said. She will be jailed for at least 8 years if he does not.
The woman told the court he had broken his promise to marry her and forced her into prostitution and beat her.
Surgeons worked for 11 hours to re-attach the penis in an operation which they described as successful, and said full sexual function should return within six months, Hurriyet said.
The defendant, who has not been jailed during the trial, told the court she cut off her former lover's penis and threw it onto the roof of a neighboring building while he was drunk, the newspaper quoted her as saying.
The criminal court in the Black Sea town of Trabzon will wait for a medical report assessing whether the 28-year-old victim has regained full use of his organ or if he is permanently disabled, an official involved in the trial said.
"To determine which crime was committed, we first need the report," the source said. "We'll continue holding hearings in the trial from time to time until we receive the report."
The 39-year-old defendant faces between one and three years in prison if her former lover recovers, Haber Turk newspaper said. She will be jailed for at least 8 years if he does not.
The woman told the court he had broken his promise to marry her and forced her into prostitution and beat her.
Surgeons worked for 11 hours to re-attach the penis in an operation which they described as successful, and said full sexual function should return within six months, Hurriyet said.
The defendant, who has not been jailed during the trial, told the court she cut off her former lover's penis and threw it onto the roof of a neighboring building while he was drunk, the newspaper quoted her as saying.
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